Hello Dr. Buckingham,
I am a man and have a smaller than average penis. Not just length, but girth as well. This has often caused issues in romantic relationships. Sometimes, the women I have dated will attempt to “act” in the opposite with a lot of wild talk, only to reveal that they’ve never had to deal with this and didn’t know what to say or how to have a conversation. Currently, I am leery of pursuing anyone for fear of getting to the sexual element of the relationship.
I’m Smaller Than Average: When Should I Bring Up My “Penis Situation?” Before sex, after the first time or at the beginning of the relationship?
Dear Physically Challenged,
Sorry to hear about your penis situation and relationship challenges. I truly respect you because I know that it had to be difficult to seek guidance given that most men link our ego to our penis. Before I respond to your question, I want to speak to about the potential psychological implications of having a small penis.
In my professional work, I have worked with hundreds of men who felt that having a small penis meant that they were inadequate and not worthy of having a good love life. Unfortunately, media outlets continue to push the “size-matter” mentally and some women judge men by the size of their wallets and penis. Given these things, it is not uncommon for men with small penis to have self-esteem issues and suffer from feelings of inadequacy.
Living in a state of anxiety is unhealthy and can cause further relationship problems. Learning to face your fear and accepting yourself is the key to your happiness. Do not allow your physical attributes to define who you are. Given that you are leery of pursuing anyone for fear of getting to the sexual element of the relationship, I highly recommend that you seek professional counseling.
Now to answer your question, I believe that you should bring up your penis situation in the beginning. It is important to be honest in the beginning of the relationship, especially before having sex. Communicating your sexual capabilities and needs is very important to the bonding process. Before you try winning a woman in bed, trying winning her heart through transparency. Honesty is the best policy because each individual gets to choose if he or she wants to move forward with the relationship. Avoid sexual deception because it is difficult to overcome.
Generally speaking, women like men who are honest about their sexual capabilities and are confident in the bedroom. Believe it or not “great sex” is a byproduct of feeling connected. Sexual technique and the size of the penis can keep the bedroom steamy, but emotional and psychological connection keeps the relationship steamy. Remember that a woman who is for you will love you regardless of your physical attributes. Accepting your size and being transparent in the beginning will reduce your anxiety and help you select a woman who will accept you.
Also, be mindful that sexual intercourse (penetration) is not the only method to please a woman. We know this to be true because a large percentage of women often report faking orgasms during sexual intercourse. The key to sexual happiness is to learn about your partner. You can be a great lover by paying attention to what your lover needs and wants. Sexual pleasure can be accomplished in other manners such as incorporating sex toys, adding a vibrating ring to your penis, using a dildo, trying different positions and mastering the art of oral sex. You can have a satisfying sex life by learning other pleasure skills instead of relying on your penis alone.
In closing, I would like to remind you that most men at some point in their lives feel a little anxious about their penis size. Remember that good communication and confidence can be game changers. Also, remember that no two women are the same. Some live by the motto, “It’s not the size of the boat, but it’s the motion in the ocean.” This simply means that they are not concerned about the size of your penis as long as you give them pleasure. Focus on being the best man that you can be in and outside of the bedroom and God will help you find a woman who can appreciate you.